Does this story beginning sound okay?

November 25th, 2009 | by |
Thousand Oaks
XxXxJoeJonas4everXxXx asked:


My heart raced a thousand time faster as I heard last period bell ring. I jumped up from my seat, anxious to see him. I dashed out of Mr. Raymond’s biology 1 class and to the, now overly-packed, hallway. My eyes lurked around, searching for him. No sign. I figured I might have just enough time to put my things in my locker so I don’t have to take everything home. I rushed to my locker, pushing past people, and ignoring the rude glances they shot at me for doing so. I opened my locker door hastily, trying to rush. I finally got it opened and literally threw everything in there, getting only the things I need for my homework. I slammed the locker door shut, and I knew I had to run to get outside before he left. I ran past people, searching every face until I found his. No where to be seen. I sighed. I ran down the concrete steps, trying to find him, but at the same time trying not to miss my bus. I waited by the old oak tree in the front of the school, hoping he didn’t come out yet. I may never have a chance with him, but it’s nice to dream. Then, I heard it. The laugh of the century. The beautiful bass chimes filled me ears, sending back to my dream-like state I always happened to fall into when he was around. He walked down the steps, with his beautiful princess-like girlfriend flanked on his side. She was laughing as well, only her laugh was harmony. They created a beautiful melody with their laughs, making me wonder what was so funny. She flipped her satin blonde hair, though I wasn’t really paying attention to her, only to the tall, black haired boy on her side.
The were almost down the steps now, almost towards me. I couldn’t look too pathetic, so I pulled out my blue and green notebook at sat down on the ground, leaning my back on the hard bark of the tree. I pretended to work on something, making sure my hair was covering most of my face. I peeked through my hair a couple times, just enough to see where they were. Probably about 10 feet away, I guess. Their fingers were intertwined, and they were smiling. The sun glistened off of his beautiful white teeth, making me stare in awe. They walked past me without even the slightest glance, but I could still see his amazing brown-gold eyes as clearly as I could see a splash of blood on a white cloth. They both piled into his cherry red Ferrari F30, I know it’s a little much for the small town of Hullerton, but he had money. Lots of money. I sighed and got up, wiping the pieces of grass off of my back and butt, hoping I got all of them off. I rushed to my bus, hoping I wouldn’t miss it, and I didn’t. Just in time. I climbed up and sat in my usual seat. Alone. I pulled Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer and began to read it for the seventh time this month. I read the words, though I never could stop thinking about him, as usual. I sighed and closed the book shut, slamming it into my bag. I sighed. Another day where I can’t get him off of my mind. Shocker, shocker there. I laid my head against the cold glass window and watched the grass wiz by underneath me. I heard the hustle and bustle of the people on my bus, but I didn’t take in any of it. All I could hear was his laugh. Joe’s laugh.

I walked off of the smelly, packed yellow bus and up my long, swerving driveway. I sighed and continued to walk, looking down at my feet the whole time. What was I thinking?! He would never notice me, ever. I was nothing to him. A small piece of nothingness that just crowds his way. I wanted to cry. I promised myself I would never, ever lose hope, because one day, when were both older and more mature, he will realize what he always wanted was right in front of him. I will always be there with open arms. Always and Forever.
I opened the front door of my house. Well, my parents house. I am only 16. I took off my shoes in the foyer and gave my jacket to Maria. Yeah, I have a maid, and a butler, but that doesn’t really matter. I think of them as family, just really clean nice family. My parents had money, loads of it. I don’t like flaunting my money out to the world, so very little people know my actual lifestyle. I refuse to go to premieres and red carpet events, due to the fact I’m not really famous. I don’t like attention, and my older sister always makes fun of me for it. Yes, my older sister is famous, but there is no way anyone besides my two closest friends and my family know about this and no one else ever will. My sister is an actress, but she’s way older than me. You may know her, her name is Angelina Jolie. Yes, the same Angelina Jolie who was in Wanted and Sharktale. My name is Anastasia Jolie. The unimportant and uglier version of Angie. And when I say uglier, I mean it. I have met her boyfriend though. Brad. Brad Pitt. Ugh, I spat out the last word. I **** that man. Not only did he get Angie involved in a horrible feud between Jen and her, but he cheated on Jen with her! How horrible! The best part? Brad never told Angie that him and Jen were together,

MARSHALL

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  1. 2 Responses to “Does this story beginning sound okay?”

  2. By Misa Misa on Nov 29, 2009 | Reply

    yeah . i like it

  3. By Claudia on Dec 2, 2009 | Reply

    For example when youre describing yourself and unrealistic you being sisters with the characters and verbs to the setting characters.
    The main character into mary sue to be taken seriously also.
    The untouchable guyand so on freshen up the last part about you down.

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